Day 2 - Suck It Haters.

Well, yesterday didn’t get off to a good start. Allison called from downtown to ask if I wanted to meet up with her before I hit the road to eat salads for lunch. Well, I already had half a plan to go to Panda North – the best damned Chinese food restaurant on the face of the planet, right here in sunny BrattleVegas, Vermont – so I went with that option, only to realize that I had passed on salads.

            Of course, we all knew that was going to happen, right?

Right?

            Anyway, the day piled up, and while I was able to write the following post in my hotel room last night, I could not post it because the joint had shitting wifi. So, here it is in all its glory.

Today is Day One of One Hundred Salads, and it’s going to be a real whopper. You see, I’m going to be on the road all day today, which usually means I would use the travel as an excuse to eat things like Taco Bell and Baconators from Wendy’s. I’m not really, as a rule, a huge fast food person, but when you’re traveling and want to make good time, it’s so convenient to just bop into some drive-through and grad a handful of yum. I know a lot of people who say the products McDonald’s, and their collective ilk, are disgusting, but those people are just being holier-than-thou shitheads, and they know they’re complete liars. The truth is, the stuff is delicious! Oh, it’s really, really, really, bad for you, but it taste Tony the Tiger Grrrrrrreat, and that’s why we eat it. I don’t know what they put in their food – that’s a lie, I know… it’s crack cocaine, that’s what it is! – but I find myself at times unable to resist it. So being on the road is one of the times I give myself a pass for eating that crap. The problem is, I’m always on the road. I travel about 30,000 miles a year, and the whole time I passing fast food joints of one variety or another, all the while I give myself free passes to eat as I please.

Here’s a meal I had very recently, at a McDonald’s:

·      A double quarter pounder with cheese.

·      A 20 piece chicken McNuggets.

I bring this up because many people who have been following this adventure for the past three days have had all kinds of sage advice for me. For example, one person has suggested I take on a “manageable” activity, along with my new diet. His suggestion was that I, along with my family, train for a 5K run. Um, I get winded walking up stairs. That is NOT manageable to me. This same person commented on the salad I had today with the remark that it would have been better if I had eliminated some of the protein. Look, let’s just set the record straight: I’m not looking for help on this, so you know, shut up!

Here a guy is trying to make a thoughtful and conscientious decision about his health, and here come the fucking remarks. Here’s some perspective. Tonight I had a Cobb Salad from 99. It was delicious. I had it with blue cheese dressing, and I didn’t give hoot for the calorie count. After I had finished the salad, with a really satisfied feeling of fullness, I wondered what I would have eaten were I not doing this crazy One Hundred Salads thing. I looked over the menu and found the chicken and sausage al forno, and decided that, yep, that huge pile of stomach hurt is the thing I would have chosen. So, naturally, I availed myself of our friend the Internet and quickly found the calorie count for that dish over at 99’s handy dandy Website. Take a moment to guess how many calories that beast has. I’ll wait…

Seriously, ponder it. I’ll wait…

One thousand, seven hundred, and ninety calories! That’s right, that pasta dish has 1790 fucking calories, of which nearly 600 are from fat.

Well, that was an eye opener, and I was proud of myself for the decision to not eat that thing, and decided my diet rules were a good decision because I had chosen something healthier, and I had really enjoyed it.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking, “Yea David, but how many calories did the Grilled Chicken Cobb Salad have? Huh? Huh? Answer me David, because I’m a fucking self righteous, know-it-all, who has all the answers about food, and you know you don’t even though you’re a world class chef…”

Yea, I looked it up.

You don’t even need to think about it. You don’t have to wait. I won’t put you through that like I did with the pasta dish.

760! With the blue cheese dressing.

So, what I’m saying is, “Suck it haters!”

Seriously though, that’s what this is about. I’m not looking for advice on how I can be healthier. I know I’m out of shape, but I am also a professional chef – so I totally get caloric intake, and have spent a lot of time thinking about it – and I was also once a very serious cyclist and skier, so I get exercise. Do I want to be able to get back on a bike in this time and ride seriously? Yes! But for right now, this is manageable, so, with all due respect, eat a basket of dicks if you’re looking to demonstrate how knowledgeable you are on the subject by coaching me through this, you’ve picked the wrong horse.

Now, that being said, I do love the recipe suggestions, and I love my friend Dr. Dr. Steven Hunt, who’s doing this along with me. (The double doctor thing was NOT a mistake, just FYI… Dude’s a full on M.D., PhD.. How much more badass can someone be? Truly, how much more? The answer is, and say this in your head with a Nigel Tufnel accent, “None more… None more badass.”) I like the recipes a lot. I’ll make them and post them over the course of the next 98 salads. I can’t wait.

            In the meantime I’m starting off easy with two days in a row of Cobb Salads, which really is the salad for people who don’t like salads. These things are hearty, to be sure, and they come with crumbled blue cheese, had cooked egg, and bacon! Which is to say, they meet the requirements of what a salad should be in my book. I’ll move forward over the next few months to include full roasted salads, and things with “massaged kale,” I really will, but there’s a learning curve for a guy like me who has been eating the way he has for so long.

            Just so we’re clear about how hard this is for me, let me tell you about one little thing I endured last night that demonstrates that the struggle is real: I passed something on my way into Boston last night, they had a huge billboard on the highway, that was called “Royal Roast Beef,” and I KEPT DRIVING.

            That was hard.